Business Casual

I work at a large ass company. The people that work at my company come in many different shapes and sizes. There is also a very wide interpretation of what it means to be business casual. The other day I saluted one woman's interpretation with a conversation in the elevator. Of course this conversation took place entirely in my head - and now on my blog.

Me: Hey goth girl with large nose

Goth Girl: Hey J-crew bitch

Me: What possessed you to wear patent black 4 inch stripper heals that make your calves clinch to work today?

Goth girl: I am not sure, the same thing that made you decide to wear gold ballet flats to work - I thought they would look nice with my dress.

Me: Yeah that dress is great. It is super tight and I can totally see that in the elevator reflection you like the way it makes your cleve look. Plus the black lace cardigan will keep you warm in our over air conditioned corporate tower.

Goth girl: Well speaking of the boob area - your cotton J-crew dress covers up your nursing bra nicely. You should go milk those things soon - swush swush.

Me: Thanks bitch, err Wednesday - how long did it take you to get to work from the dark mansion you call your home?

Goth Girl: Faster than you from your suburban cookie cutter house.

Me: Exiting the elevator - Have a good day.

As I exited the elevator I kept thinking - where on earth could that girl possibly work? There are so many exciting possibilities in our large company. Perhaps Goth is considered part of the new diversity initiative. I even went as far as to do a quick Google search but all the pages about "Goth Corporate Jobs" had white text on a black background so I got super dizzy and wanted to take some drugs. For now I am going to stick with my best guess - accident claims?. A bit disgusting, and probably totally racist for me to have this thought - but - it satisfies me for now.

Best of Both Worlds and not enough

So I wanted to discuss something that is near and dear to my heart. Working and/or being a stay at home mom. To each there own, but I have the luxury of working part time. This is more than a luxury, I am super lucky and blessed. Shortly before getting pregnant I landed my dream job in marketing. I am not only in marketing but I am in Search Engine Marketing. In my opinion this is the best place to be as a marketer. Our budgets are increasing at the expense of others. But that isn't the point of my post today. My point is more along the lines of "never enough".

I am a complete total perfectionist. I also have to see something from beginning to end. I do not feel comfortable with ambiguity. Which brings me to my problem. I feel in between both worlds and that I never get enough of either world. In the deepest part of me I want to be home full time with my baby. The other part which is almost as deep inside wants to work. I say almost because if I had to chose, which I don't, I would choose to be home.

The part of me that goes to work, is the part of me that believes in being an independent thinker and a woman who is not dependent on her husband. I hate to talk about what-if's but what-if something happened with my husband? What if it was up to me to support our house and life? Giving up my career wouldn't allow me to easily step into that role. I can't give up the security I have by working. It is comforting to know you have money coming in to help.

But I do feel that I am between both worlds and not doing either fully. Each and everyday I go to work, I chose to give up time with my son to go. Giving up that time with him better be worth it. But what defines worth? To me, I want to go to a place where I am important, needed, and where what I say counts. Yes, by getting a pay check my company tells me I am all those things. But I would be a liar if I said working at a large company makes me feel complete in the ways I defined.

I am assuming this is a internal battle of all moms. Everyone of us had a certain definition of ourselves before babies. I personally think that having a baby changed me, I mean "rocked my world" at the most primal level. It is an experience that makes you different in ways you cannot even describe.

I hope this post helps to put some words to a small part of that change...