Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Mall Whore and Granny Ho

I am a mall whore. My clothes come from Banana Republic, Gap, Ann Taylor, Ann Taylor Loft and Jcrew. I love tissue tees and the editor pants at Express. My underwear is from Victoria Secret and I usually smell like Sun Ripened Raspberry from Bath and Body Works.

So now that you know my qualifications, I can tell you this story.

My mom, my son's grandma, is a great woman - all 66 years of her. She changed her life and has lost over 50 pounds. She is showing girl power and wanting to flaunt it. When she had my brother and I she gave up her style and became a sweats mom. I don't see anything wrong with this.

Now that she has lost the weight she is kind of turning into a Granny Ho. We went to Filene's Basement (she only shops discount stores) and I had to pry her out of the juniors department. While I admit she had some cute clothes in her hand, there is a reason those t-shirts are for 14 year old girls. As a mall whore I know. I have experience with Forever 21 and H&M. I know what nicer cuts and fabrics do for a figure. I also know to stay out of Macy's Juniors department. I probably shouldn't really even be in Forever 21 or H&M. But my extensive time slutting around the mall and philanthropic support of all the mall stores qualifies me to know that there is a time and place for the juniors department (bachelorette party attire).

I feel like this is the problem with discount stores and potential Granny Ho's. The discount stores are for professional mall whores only. Those of us who know our stuff. Even designer brand whores can get in trouble there. See discount stores have Seven jeans that didn't sell.

I am not knocking discount stores. I guess I just think they should come with a Granny Ho disclaimer. Or a shop at your own risk sign. Malls have it all planned out. If I take the Granny Ho to a mall she heads right for J-Jill or Chicco's. These are her type of stores.

We have a baby shower for a friend coming up. I am going to pee my pants laughing if the Granny Ho shoes up in another Junk Food Tee. I love her though - the ho bag slut that she can be at times.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I think butts are hilarious.

I swear butts are hilarious. So I was sitting in this guys office at work for a meeting. The guy is one of those guy's guy types. You know the guy at the office who you can see saying, "bros before hos" and all that college bullshit. The guy who is the ring leader of the boys club. Yeah that is him. In any case he had a college football poster hanging up. Seriously the whole poster was all butts. If I had pointed it out I wonder if he would take it down thinking it was "gay". Does the fact that it is football negate any potential "gayness"??

The other thing I think is so funny about butts is the different shapes and sizes. For something that everyone has they come in so many different varieties. There are certain butts I find extra funny though. I think men with huge wide asses are so funny. Those aren't meant to be on men, especially when they are disproportionately wide. I also find what I call vulgar butts hilarious. To me a vulgar butt is the type of butt that cannot help but eat the pants the person is wearing. Sometimes when I see someone who really shakes their vulgar butt I sing the thong song to myself. It makes me think butts are even funnier. I sing in my head, "She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what..." So funny!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Twas the night before Mother's Day

So it is the eve of my first Mother's Day. I must say that this has been the happiest year of my life, next to the year before I was married. Being a mother completes me. It is challenging, yet rewarding, and enjoyable. Reflecting on the experience, however brings up some things that I have learned. These learning(s) call for a list:

1. Breastfeeding isn't easy, natural, and instantaneous. For my son and I it was alot of work, learning, tears (for both of us). In the end, I am so happy we made it though the journey, and over the next 3 or 4 months, we will enjoy the home stretch of the journey.
2. Tripping into motherhood is common. The baby blues are for real, and beyond the baby blues I can still say that I do not feel "normal" even 8 or 9 months postpartum. It took 9 months to build everything up and I believe it takes a while to come down from all of those changes
3. The worry list goes on and on, and will never end.
4. Our family is stronger and better bonded than ever before. We also laugh more.
5. Fatherhood is pretty darn hard too.
6. I love my little man more than all the love I have ever had for anything times 1000!
7. Everyday brings on new concepts, and changes
8. You can never really relax in the same way again
9. You can never ever turn your back in the same way either
10. You never want to go back to a time when you weren't a mother.

Happy Mother's Day - to All!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My gifted baby

Okay I don't mean to sound like I am bragging. I swear my baby is gifted. I know it is because of all of the DHA in my milk, and all the essential fatty acids I ate while pregnant.

He is 8 months and he has figured out the shape sorter. Granted, I show him how to do it everyday.

I am realistic. I know my baby is the smart, athletic, ladies man type. I am going to have to have the girls line up.

Today, I am a proud parent, of a crawling, babbling, clapping, spit bubble blowing baby! And I love it.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

World Press Freedom Day

Yes, I am a day late. But it is worth mentioning that yesterday was World Press Freedom Day, at least according to Google. What is this about? Well - it is about the dangerous work that journalists (traditional and bloggers) do to get information from various parts of the world.

There are parts of the world where journalists are not safe. Violent crimes are committed, the press is not protected, and furthermore the criminals are not punished.

World Press Freedom Day brings awareness to this cause.

If you would like to read more about World Press Day on Google's blog then follow the link below.

I can be a bit of a news junkie, and today I am thinking of those who put their lives in danger to bring the news to a 53 inch flat screen in my living room.