Best of Both Worlds and not enough

So I wanted to discuss something that is near and dear to my heart. Working and/or being a stay at home mom. To each there own, but I have the luxury of working part time. This is more than a luxury, I am super lucky and blessed. Shortly before getting pregnant I landed my dream job in marketing. I am not only in marketing but I am in Search Engine Marketing. In my opinion this is the best place to be as a marketer. Our budgets are increasing at the expense of others. But that isn't the point of my post today. My point is more along the lines of "never enough".

I am a complete total perfectionist. I also have to see something from beginning to end. I do not feel comfortable with ambiguity. Which brings me to my problem. I feel in between both worlds and that I never get enough of either world. In the deepest part of me I want to be home full time with my baby. The other part which is almost as deep inside wants to work. I say almost because if I had to chose, which I don't, I would choose to be home.

The part of me that goes to work, is the part of me that believes in being an independent thinker and a woman who is not dependent on her husband. I hate to talk about what-if's but what-if something happened with my husband? What if it was up to me to support our house and life? Giving up my career wouldn't allow me to easily step into that role. I can't give up the security I have by working. It is comforting to know you have money coming in to help.

But I do feel that I am between both worlds and not doing either fully. Each and everyday I go to work, I chose to give up time with my son to go. Giving up that time with him better be worth it. But what defines worth? To me, I want to go to a place where I am important, needed, and where what I say counts. Yes, by getting a pay check my company tells me I am all those things. But I would be a liar if I said working at a large company makes me feel complete in the ways I defined.

I am assuming this is a internal battle of all moms. Everyone of us had a certain definition of ourselves before babies. I personally think that having a baby changed me, I mean "rocked my world" at the most primal level. It is an experience that makes you different in ways you cannot even describe.

I hope this post helps to put some words to a small part of that change...